My Thoughts and Feelings about the Issue

If you haven't read my previous post, read it first.

As I sat and tried to figure out what to write on my previous post, I just couldn't think of anything. I was at a loss. I would write a sentence and then erase it. I couldn't think of anything cute or clever to say so I just said it. So I will make another attempt to write about my feelings about being pregnant. I don't want to sound insensative or upset about it, but honestly I'm having a hard time feeling anything because it hasn't really sunk in yet. It's not that I don't believe it because I've had this feeling that I was pregnant since that one irresponsible night. I know exactly when it happened because other than that we have been preventing. Which brings up a whole other issue. I don't think I've ever journaled about this so here we go.

Getting pregnant hasn't always been the easiest for me (until now). We were married for 5 years before we had Elly. Not because I wasn't ready but because I couldn't get pregnant. I wanted to start trying the week after we got married even though we had agreed to wait a year. We went through the all the fertility stuff (Nate too) like taking the tempature for fertile days and all that good stuff and ended with surgery. Six months after surgery I was pregnant with Elly. I can't express how happy I was after going through month after month of heart ache. Ragan didn't take as long to come along but it took at least a year of trying to get her. I was worried about it being just as hard to get pregnant again as it was the first time, so when I found out I was pregnant again I was just so grateful to be able to have children. I struggled with my decision to prevent because of my history. I didn't want to go through preventative measures and then when it came time to try, not beable to get pregnant.

I have always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, but since we got a late start, I knew we would have to pop them out one after another. However, I changed my mind after Ragan. I just wasn't ready to start thinking about having another baby so soon. I don't know why, because Ragan is seriously the sweetest, easiest baby ever, and so was Elly. It was just me. I didn't feel like I could do it again so soon. So I decided to hold off for awhile. Which brings me to one irresponsible night.

You should probably stop reading now if you don't want to know the details. I just knew in the back of my mind that I would get pregnant if we didn't prevent this one time. I had a moment of uncertainty and getting pregnant is the result. I knew I wanted more children, but I wasn't sure that I was ready so soon. Well, now I don't have a choice and I am going to be super happy about it. I am really happy about it, I promise. As soon as it hits me it will become more real. I think one of the reasons it doesn't seem so real yet is because I don't feel any different. I haven't been sick, or gained any weight (I wish I could say I have), or had any cravings. The only thing that made me suspicious is that I have to pee ALL the time. I am getting up like 3 or 4 times a night. Can that happen so soon? So I took a test, a pee test, and it was positive. I really hope it was right, otherwise this will be very embarrassing. So there you have it, there's my story.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure it will be another girl. Nathan really really hopes I'm wrong but I think he knows it's a girl too. I'll be happy either way. And so will he because he has no choice.